Yup. They can't even make a basic clock work. Something a first year Electronics student could knock together as a project and still it fucked up and stopped. This, my friends, is just a tiny glimpse into the inevitable crushing failure and embarrassment that will be the London Olympics. I told you this when they first announced that they were going for the bid. I said it when we won and I'll say it a thousand more times before the opening ceremony. If you "backed the bid", I hope you're proud.
You see, the big problem with London is that it has that problem that most inadequate men suffer from. A 30 year old man, maybe a tad insecure in himself walks into a public toilet and starts to piss. Something he's been doing all his life. All of a sudden, someone else walks in and mr. Insecure finds it absolutely impossible to continue pissing. London can't piss if the rest of the world is watching.
We saw it before with the "Millenium celebrations". Anyone remember the River of Fire? A fucking FIREWORKS display. Something we're meant to do every November. But no. As soon as the rest of the world starts looking, it all goes to shit- So we had instead, the "RIVER OF WATER!!!" Woo.
The Dome. A big, expensive plastic tent built on a landfill site, that nobody went to that is now a big, plastic tent. They put on concerts there now, but the tickets are so bloody pricey and accoustics are so fucking horrible that you'd be mad to go see anything there now. We're british. We've been rather good at pitching tents in the past.. But as soon as anyone starts watching, we get all tangled up in the guyropes and put a pole through the groundsheet whilst the flysheet blows away in the breeze. All the while, shouting "No, I'm alright! I can do it!"
They built a Millenium Bridge. Nice idea and just what London so desperately needed.. a way to get from one side of the river to the other.. North and South connected together after centuries of division - or having to go all the way around the Thames via Reading.. Oh.. Hang on.. No.. London HAS bridges. Dozens of the fucking things. Some of them are really old as well, so obviously, we're capable of building a decent bridge. What can go wrong? Oh, right.. The world was watching and the bridge was remeniscent of something out of Indiana Jones.
and then...
The win the bid to host the olympics.
They start off with the Logo for it. London is home to some of the finest artists and design houses in the world. But to do something really special, they come up with.. well.. you know...
The handover ceremony in Beijing was a roaring success. What do we want to show the world what they can expect from the next host city? A thousand years of culture, perhaps? incredible architecture? Beautiful parklands? A diverse multicultural society where anyone who visits from anywhere in the world will be welcomed with open arms, perhaps?
Nope. This is London, remember. That impotent little man in the public pisser, and he's being very, VERY watched. What do we see then?
A double decker bus that err.. explodes in some kind of camp terrorist attack. And Beckham hoofing a football into the crowd. And some hasbeen guitarist who everyone presumed to be dead many years ago. And of course, Boris Fucking Johnson, trying very hard to simply wave a flag.
If you really want to relive it, I've found the entire nightmare on Youtube. The really crap bit begins at about 7:20 ish. The link's below. Embedding is disabled, which is probably just as well. If you're reading this from abroad, you'd probably not be shocked to learn that London's Public Transport System is a laughing stock. It is overpriced, unreliable and disgusting. Believe me, if you come for the Olympics, you'd probably do well to hire a car while you're here. Fuck it, for £200, you can borrow mine for the week. It's got a slippy gearbox, there's something sticky in the rear footwell and there's a strange smell, parking is a bitch and the offside rear tyre has a slow puncture (bump it up to 33PSI once a week) but it still beats taking the tube.
http://youtu.be/QprSn_D31U0
And that was the very very beginning, when things were going relatively well...
London 2012.
Prepare to be extremely embarrassed.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
An update.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Well, plenty has happened in the last few months since I originally posted this, hasn't it?
Most lately, this wonderful idea of putting Rapier Surface to Air missile silos all over London. Really? Now, I'm not an engineer or expert on warfare, but I would have thought that shooting down a hijacked aeroplane is not like in the movies. It doesn't somehow simply vapourise in mid air. I'm pretty sure that what you would end up with is massive amounts of debris, most of it very big, heavy and on fire, raining down onto residential areas of London. By which, of course, almost everywhere in London is residential. I don't know if you've ever seen one, but the engine off a airliner is mighty big and not what you'd want falling through your roof and "smooshing" you.
So yeah. Putting half a dozen fucking great big SAM missiles in the middle of the capital, eh? Puts my mind at ease.
It's funny, but I found this on Dictionary.com:
I don't understand how having a missile silo on top of your Tower Hamlets block of flats, or having 13,500 gun ho soldiers roaming the streets is not going to terrify people.
There was that security guard who also got herself arrested with explosives. Remember her? Well, Having worked with the poor imbeciles at G4S, that doesn't surprise me in the slightest. I'm just amazed she didn't try to eat it. they aren't very bright, you know?
The PreGames gig has been announced. To be held in Hyde Park, I think featuring music from bands representing the countries that make up Great Britain. The Stereophonics to represent Wales, Paolo Nutini representing Scotland and some other pop band I've never heard of for N. Ireland. They've picked Duran Duran as the best that England has to offer. Duran Fucking Duran. I presume the one and only reason is so that they can sing "Gold". But if that's the pinnacle of the musical talent to have come out of this country (of whom the entire band's still alive, anyway)... I dunno. Speechless. The whole thing has been cobbled together by politicians and idiots who are out of touch with everything.
It makes me sad. I haven't even touched on the Ticketing saga yet.
It isn't too late to give it to the french. Who wanted it.
You see, the big problem with London is that it has that problem that most inadequate men suffer from. A 30 year old man, maybe a tad insecure in himself walks into a public toilet and starts to piss. Something he's been doing all his life. All of a sudden, someone else walks in and mr. Insecure finds it absolutely impossible to continue pissing. London can't piss if the rest of the world is watching.
We saw it before with the "Millenium celebrations". Anyone remember the River of Fire? A fucking FIREWORKS display. Something we're meant to do every November. But no. As soon as the rest of the world starts looking, it all goes to shit- So we had instead, the "RIVER OF WATER!!!" Woo.
The Dome. A big, expensive plastic tent built on a landfill site, that nobody went to that is now a big, plastic tent. They put on concerts there now, but the tickets are so bloody pricey and accoustics are so fucking horrible that you'd be mad to go see anything there now. We're british. We've been rather good at pitching tents in the past.. But as soon as anyone starts watching, we get all tangled up in the guyropes and put a pole through the groundsheet whilst the flysheet blows away in the breeze. All the while, shouting "No, I'm alright! I can do it!"
They built a Millenium Bridge. Nice idea and just what London so desperately needed.. a way to get from one side of the river to the other.. North and South connected together after centuries of division - or having to go all the way around the Thames via Reading.. Oh.. Hang on.. No.. London HAS bridges. Dozens of the fucking things. Some of them are really old as well, so obviously, we're capable of building a decent bridge. What can go wrong? Oh, right.. The world was watching and the bridge was remeniscent of something out of Indiana Jones.
and then...
The win the bid to host the olympics.
They start off with the Logo for it. London is home to some of the finest artists and design houses in the world. But to do something really special, they come up with.. well.. you know...
The handover ceremony in Beijing was a roaring success. What do we want to show the world what they can expect from the next host city? A thousand years of culture, perhaps? incredible architecture? Beautiful parklands? A diverse multicultural society where anyone who visits from anywhere in the world will be welcomed with open arms, perhaps?
Nope. This is London, remember. That impotent little man in the public pisser, and he's being very, VERY watched. What do we see then?
A double decker bus that err.. explodes in some kind of camp terrorist attack. And Beckham hoofing a football into the crowd. And some hasbeen guitarist who everyone presumed to be dead many years ago. And of course, Boris Fucking Johnson, trying very hard to simply wave a flag.
If you really want to relive it, I've found the entire nightmare on Youtube. The really crap bit begins at about 7:20 ish. The link's below. Embedding is disabled, which is probably just as well. If you're reading this from abroad, you'd probably not be shocked to learn that London's Public Transport System is a laughing stock. It is overpriced, unreliable and disgusting. Believe me, if you come for the Olympics, you'd probably do well to hire a car while you're here. Fuck it, for £200, you can borrow mine for the week. It's got a slippy gearbox, there's something sticky in the rear footwell and there's a strange smell, parking is a bitch and the offside rear tyre has a slow puncture (bump it up to 33PSI once a week) but it still beats taking the tube.
http://youtu.be/QprSn_D31U0
And that was the very very beginning, when things were going relatively well...
London 2012.
Prepare to be extremely embarrassed.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
An update.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Well, plenty has happened in the last few months since I originally posted this, hasn't it?
Most lately, this wonderful idea of putting Rapier Surface to Air missile silos all over London. Really? Now, I'm not an engineer or expert on warfare, but I would have thought that shooting down a hijacked aeroplane is not like in the movies. It doesn't somehow simply vapourise in mid air. I'm pretty sure that what you would end up with is massive amounts of debris, most of it very big, heavy and on fire, raining down onto residential areas of London. By which, of course, almost everywhere in London is residential. I don't know if you've ever seen one, but the engine off a airliner is mighty big and not what you'd want falling through your roof and "smooshing" you.
 | ||
| Donnie had a countdown timer that never counted down AND ended up under a jet engine. Prophetic. Will there be a massive scary rabbit to light the flame? |
So yeah. Putting half a dozen fucking great big SAM missiles in the middle of the capital, eh? Puts my mind at ease.
It's funny, but I found this on Dictionary.com:
ter·ror·ism
[ter-uh-riz-uhm]
noun
1.
the use of violence and threats to intimidate or coerce, especially for political purposes.
3.
a terroristic method of governing or of resisting a government.
I don't understand how having a missile silo on top of your Tower Hamlets block of flats, or having 13,500 gun ho soldiers roaming the streets is not going to terrify people.
The PreGames gig has been announced. To be held in Hyde Park, I think featuring music from bands representing the countries that make up Great Britain. The Stereophonics to represent Wales, Paolo Nutini representing Scotland and some other pop band I've never heard of for N. Ireland. They've picked Duran Duran as the best that England has to offer. Duran Fucking Duran. I presume the one and only reason is so that they can sing "Gold". But if that's the pinnacle of the musical talent to have come out of this country (of whom the entire band's still alive, anyway)... I dunno. Speechless. The whole thing has been cobbled together by politicians and idiots who are out of touch with everything.
It makes me sad. I haven't even touched on the Ticketing saga yet.
It isn't too late to give it to the french. Who wanted it.
