Leopards. They can fix the unfixable.

I hereby present a short list of things that can be fixed by Leopards. Sometimes, something is so terrifyingly poor that it might at first seem to be broken forever. But when you bring Leopards into the picture, well, redemption is but a spotty apocalypse away.

1) Terrible movies. Take, for instance, The Davinci Code. The second worst film* I've ever seen. The plot is so far fetched that it should have been billed as a comedy/fantasy, yet everyone took it so seriously. The acting.. Well, Ian McKellan and Tom Hanks working as a double act couldn't do anything for the film.. It was that poor.

Kitty makes it all better.

So, the whole thing would have made more sense and have at least had some sort of action in it, should the final scene featured a marauding leap of Leopards who turn up and eat everyone. I watched the movie to the end in the vain hope that this would happen. It didn't. Instead, the ending was a limp wristed as the rest of the film.

2) The London 2012 Olympics. As I've already said, I don't see it going so well and London will, in a little over a year, become the biggest laughing stock on the planet. HOWEVER, Should they scrap the format of the games and move back to a far more entertaining theme of Roman Gladiatorial combat, make Steve Fucking Redgrave and Philips Oduwu fighting to the death (except that Philips would be armed to the teeth). And of course, we can throw Johnathon Edwards, the world's most boring christian (worse than Ned Flanders), to a baying pack of Leopards.

3) The SODDING Royal Wedding. The idea is to release a huge pack of leopards halfway through the service upon the congregation. All they have to do is to stay alive for twenty minutes, after which time, the doors will be unlocked. Anyone still alive can then freely run screaming into the street where the Cheetahs will be loosed to pick them off. I would quite happily pay towards that and it might even make me want to watch it.


So that's the general theme of my point. Leopards can improve absolutely any overhyped piece of shit.

*Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind was the first worst.. I couldn't sleep in the cinema so I had to walk out. I'm not going to use it as an example, because for all I know, It could well have been salvaged by a Leopard ending.

The Supermarket Game

This isn't my idea. I'm just joining in.

The originator of TSG is Cubinoid. Here's his introduction to the game and subsequent efforts.
Photographs are judged marks out of ten in two categories: COMPOSITION - Camerawork, scene set up etc. and POSE.

View his original blog post, rules and his own entries here:
http://supermarketgame.blogspot.com/2011/02/supermarket-game-welcome.html

From Cubinoid's own blog, here are the laws of the game as written by the grand Master himself:
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"The game is simple: Whilst your spouse or partner is busy shopping "hands free", leaving you to push the trolley, you reach into your pocket and whip out your trusty camera-phone device.

Wait until they are looking at the object of desire, wait...wait...until their eyes gleam with wanting to touch the object of desire...wait until the magic moment and SNAP!

Take a photo of them. It's that simple".
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And here is my first entry into what will surely become a future Olympic Sport (but not next year, as they're.. rant rant rant...)

So, she isn't my partner, she's Tigger, my sister, but I'm quite sure it still counts. Here she is looking for some cosmetics. Also, Superdrug is not really a supermarket either. In fact, I don't think this is a valid entry at all.

COMPOSITION: Well, Considering it contravenes most of the laws of the game (subject is not my partner, location is not a supermarket), I don't think the photo's too bad. There's an annoying black spot on the tile by her foot, but I do like the way the floor tiles and the line of the shelves run off into the distance, drawing the viewer's eye up the aisle. The lighting isn't too bad and for a camera phone, the shot actually came out okay.

I'm going to give this ●●●●●●○○○○ (6/10)

POSE: Great pose. I call it "Crouching Tigger, Hidden Nailfile". She's cradling the febreeze as Indiana Jones would cradle solid gold Sun God Idols whilst tinkering with some unseen boobytrap in a wall. Speaking of which, Stop looking at my sister's boobies.

I think for pose, this gets a ●●●●●●●○○○ (7/10).

I'm being really generous with this, but for a first attempt, I'm rather pleased. I am of course, very open to criticique and will adjust the score accordingly.

A day of meccano, photos and water fountains.

Once again the London and Western Home Counties Steampunk Society met up at our adoptive home, the Kew Bridge Steam Museum. The occasion was for one of the guys, Scott to take a load of photographs as part of his university course. He wanted to document the Steampunk in its natural habitat, so where better than this cathederal of brass and steel?

I arrived very late, having had to visit my tailor beforehand to be fitted with a new pair of trousers. My own tailor, the Prime Mark company, Hammersmith could not furnish me with anything other than silver breeches in my size. Silver? No thanks. So I went over the road to Messers Marks and Spencer Gentleman's Outfitters. They're more expensive than the Prime Mark company and I've never patronised this particular emporium before, however, I managed to purchase quite a nice pair of plain black pants for £16. Cheaper than Prime Mark and they fit.

I awaited an omnibus for transportation home for the usual 45 minutes. On my return, I pucked up the Boy King from my sister's dweling place, which she was painting. Armed with a five and a half year old ball of energy, we made our way to the museum.

On arrival, I realised that I'd overlooked that they were holding the Magic Of Meccano exhibition. The Entire place, every availble inch of space was filled with tables covered in whirring, buzzing and clicking contraptions, built by men with beards and adenoids. The kid loved this, but I found that there was only so much meccano you can look at, and so many bearded, adenoidal men who were extremely proud of bolting this stuff together, before it all whiteouts that part of you brain and it all just starts looking like bits of metal with holes in. Enjoyable, but I suppose one just has to have an obsession with the stuff to be able to cope with that volume.

I eventually convinced the boy, after the ninteeenth time around the place and looking at a hundred little tin trains that we should seek the real reason for being there. We met with the rest of the group and went out into the sunshine for some more photos. At this point, he discovered the pump fountain. A metal drum with a handpump on the side which sprays gallons of water all over the operator and anyone within range. Now soaked, he then thought it'd be really funny to hug-and soak- anyone he could catch, including half a dozen immaculately dressed and otherwise distracted steampunks, who all put on their very polite faces and brushed him off as "being just a kid", although, I could tell that they were getting somewhat annoyed. Controlling my nephew, who doesn't listen to me at the best of times, with such a wonderful toy as a device for soaking people was frankly impossible. I took a phone call from Fern who had just arrived out the front which I used as an excuse to get the child as far away from the proceedings and let them get on with it.

This was Fern and her partner's first visit to the museum so naturally wanted to take a look around the place (although there wasn't much museum to see for all the Meccano). We went and got some teas and were told that the group had moved onto the pub. We took the boy for a ride on the train and then went to meet them.

At this point, he began to settle down and we got to relax a little and chat, whilst he latched onto Cubinoid and Tixia like a limpit, his new bestest friends. After some confusion and realisation that in that part of the world, on a Sunday evening, there is no food other than a local "chicken" shop, most of the group went and forraged and the boy settled.

I really regret not being able to have taken part in the day as much as I was absent for the most part. For this reason, I can't offer any report on the day other than an account of my babysitting experience.

That said, I'm glad he enjoyed the Meccano exhibition and museum, I hope Fern and Matt enjoyed the museum and I hope the photographs from the day came out to be what Scott wanted.